WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
