New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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