when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
