the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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