4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
