You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
