my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
