glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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