I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
