I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
