I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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