But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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