White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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