Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
