I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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