Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
