i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
