Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
