I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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