Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
