Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
