She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
