I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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