I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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