i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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