So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
