I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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