I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
