It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
