So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
