Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
