sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
