What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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