I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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