I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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