dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
