I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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