I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
