we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
