I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
