whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
