Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
