i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
