apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
