How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
