I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
