Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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