Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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