I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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