I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
