Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
