currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
