Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
