is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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