Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I believe in your delicious
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
