there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize