actually, I'm a sock model
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't deserve a penis
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.