I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
