I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
did i walk over a car last night?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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