So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
