someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
