she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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